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Natasha Michelle Stout

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Today I am starting the website that I am dedicating to you I am not going to type any text because I want to spend the day creating it. I hope that someday this finds you.

I have finally gotten part of the website up. It has been a little bigger project than I had imagined. I hope that end the end it will all be worth it. I want you to understand why I am doing this:

Since I have never gotten to know you and as I get older in life you start to look at things a lot different than you do as a child. I wonder about things like how you are doing in school? How are you living, do you have a father that takes care of you? How things would have been if I could have been involved in your life? All of the things you will might wonder yourself as you get a little older. Like, why was I never there? Did I not care about you? Things that never could be answered if I get killed in a car accident tomorrow, or what ever.

I want there to be a record out there that you can find someday and understand that I do care and do think about you. While I don't have the opportunity at present to sit down with you, talk to you, watch you grow up and be there for you. I want you to be able to understand that I will and would do it in a second and that it tears me up inside that I have missed out on all of the big things that normal parents get to do.

I want to be able to show you all of the small things that make me think about what I wish would/should have been. I don't really expect that you will come across this soon. But I just want it to be there when you finally do. I am really looking forward to dedicating a lot of time to doing this for you. I haven't really completely figured out how to write all of the things that I feel on the inside.

Well I have a lot to do on this website I have to get an advertisement up for the wonderful people who are hosting this for me.

Well tonight I thought that I might take a little time and tell you a little bit about me. I was born Sept 20, 1972 On an Air Force Base in Homestead FL. My father was in the Air Force at the time. I know that I lived in FL until I was 2, Honestly I don't remember much more than that. My parents split up then I don't ever remember them being married. I grew up with my mom mostly in Nashville TN. I really wasn't that good of a kid growing up and my mother being a single parent struggled a lot to make ends meet. I know that she had a couple of boyfriends along the way a can specifically remember 3 of them (I won't really go in to all that right now.) I'm not real sure how old I was when she met David Barnes (Husband) a guess I was about 10 or 11. He is for the most part a real nice stepfather, We had are ups and downs (most of the downs where before I turned 18) and most of the ups have been since. In my late 20's and into my 30's we have become fairly close and even though we live in different states we talk on the phone and he comes down to Texas several times a year.

My mom and I have almost always gotten along real well. Except for last year in 2002 we a pretty rough spot where we didn't talk for about the whole year. (Advise: No matter how bad you think things are between you and your mom accept the blame, even if you don't think your at fault. In the end it's worth it.) we got back on track with each other about Oct 2002 when she was in the hospital for a little while and made up I am real glad that we did. As I hope is the case with you (and your mother) she means a lot to me.

Any way back to growing up I went to a couple of different grade schools in Nashville and have quite a few good and bad memories there but most of them really are around high school I went to Glencliff High. I was about half white and half black. I don't remember any Latinos to speak of I am sure there were a few. the 80's was a weird time cable TV was getting its upstart and as a kid I was all in to MTV and stupid stuff like that. I was mostly into Rap music and that kind of scene. I had a ton of jobs in H.S. I started working when I was about 14, during this time and age you had to be at least 16 and it seems like I got fired for not being old enough to have a job about every 3 months. Looking back on it I can't believe that I was able to keep them that long. I had one where I got sent home and told not to come back after about 3 hrs. (LOL)

A had a few girlfriends in H.S. I'm not going to say I was the hottest guy in school but I wasn't the ugliest either. I got my heart broken I couple of times too. I would say I was a big dork in my Freshman year and started coming out of it my Sophomore year. By the time I was a junior I pretty much had it going on. Then my junior year my family move to Oklahoma City. I will pick that up on my next entry. I am tired its about 1am and I have to get up early in the morning... Good night.

Well I moved to OKC in 1989, It was a pretty tough adjustment no friends just family new school, I was pretty much bottom then. I hated it, I moved there in the winter time there was a pretty big snow, and I was depressed I seem to believe that it was about Christmas time or maybe thanksgiving I am not real sure. I know that when I arrived I got pretty sick and slept through what I think was thanksgiving. I had just left a girlfriend behind I thought that she was the one (boy was I wrong) we sent back and forth a few letters then completely fell out of touch I barely remember her name now a days.

I went to this school named Putnam City West it was ok but real clicky groups of like 4 or 5 people and that seemed to be all the people you hung out with. Don't get me wrong you had some outside friends in other groups but they were not real friends mostly just acquaintances. Then I got a job in Bethany at a Sonic Drive In - This would turn out to be a major deal in my life. I was a pretty cocky kid in those days and still thought that I ruled the world. My boss at the time Virginia Fein interviewed me and she loves to tell this story about it. It basically goes like this. I came in and while she was interviewing me I sat down on her filing cabinet and just kind of made my self at home (Ironically I didn't even know that I was doing it at the time.) Lucky for me I landed the job there I worked there for a couple of years during that time I met what turned out to be my best friend in life 12 years later we still are friends. His name is Shannon Fein (the owners son) Shannon and I hung out together off and on over the last Decade. He is really like a brother we have gone through a lot of stuff together and he has always been there for me when I needed him. Even though now days I live in Dallas and he is still there in OKC I visit him when I come up and always see him when he comes down here. The best part is I met my wife Rachel through him and his wife.

Sonic is also where I met your mother too. (See the relevance now) I was working as a car hop --- the person who takes the food out to your car. I will never forget the day I met your mother as long as I live She was in a black Chevy Berretta with a friend of hers ( I don't remember her name) and your mom thought I was hot, but she didn't say any thing but her friend did for her. I was extremely attracted to her from the minute I laid eyes on her. We kind of hung out together a little bit that summer I really wanted more but she had a different boyfriend at the time, So we mostly just hung out with each other. Then at the end of the summer she moved back to Bangor ME, I was crushed... Oddly enough we talked all the time on the phone as friends. But still there was an obvious attraction between us I would say we talked almost every week or so.

Even though she lived on the other side of the country she kept telling me she was moving back someday, honestly I didn't really believe her but I really did like her a lot. Then one day she actually did!!!! I already had a different girlfriend at the time but Melissa was the one I wanted to be with so I left the other girl for her.

We ended up living together for a while. I was head over heels in love with her big time. I wanted to marry her I really was insane for her. After a couple of months together she ended up being pregnant with you. Since I really was in love with her I asked her to marry me, unfortunately she declined. I don't know how things might have been if she'd of said yes honestly no one does really. Then it went down hill from there, I want to take full responsibility for what follows I think over the years I have blocked out the exact details of what I did wrong I know she was having some difficulty early on, and my family thought that she was lying for some stupid reason. And things really got bad from there. I cant really explain honestly every thing that happened here so I feel real uncomfortable attempting to try and explain it. Let me say that I really wish that things would have ended up a lot different than they did. I cant say that enough, I was real stupid back then.

What I do remember is that I hoped and prayed that some day we would have gotten another chance to try and work things out between your mother and myself. I am not trying to dump things on you here just tell you my side of what went down. And even now its been over 10 years, its funny the way your head works over a gradual period of time you can recall things the way that looks best for yourself. I have lived for a long time in nothing but regret over this. Somewhere in my house I still to this day have a saved a letter that I wrote about how I felt things happened and the way I look at things now it really doesn't matter I missed out the opportunity to be with you in the end.

I do recall that you mother and I talked here and there on the phone the whole time she was pregnant with you and for a while I thought things would end up different. Then she called me one day while I was at work and told me you were born, I cried like a big baby. I wanted nothing more than to come to Maine to see you, I never got the chance. I can't say that I asked either though I am not sure really.

Boy this is pretty hard for me going through all of this in detail. I am not so sure that it is such a good idea, but I really feel like this needs to be done I am afraid that as time passes I wont be able to remember everything that I need to. (I am not sure if I am even right now) that really bothers me. Back to what I want to get out....

I do know that one day out of the blue I accidentally ran into Melissa. This was real weird especially since I didn't even know that she was in OKC at the time it really caught me off guard. And I said something that haunts me still to this day (I apologize for that Melissa) Truth is I don't think I knew what to say and that is just what came out. Even then I don't know how but she offered or agreed to let me see you I will never be able to forget that day I still remember it and that has and always will be the happiest day of my life. She offered to bring you by and let my mother meet you too. I am sitting here crying right now just thinking about it. The only thing that would be able to top it would be to get to do it all over again and again.

We hung out for a little while with my mom and then the 3 of us went to the mall for a little while. I don't think that we got to spend a whole lot of time together but I cherish it still to this day. I miss you!!!

Your mother gave me a few pictures of you as a baby. I still have all of them and I have had at least one hanging in my house since I got them. I even tried to get one of them blown up but they wouldn't do it (Stupid copyright laws) The biggest one I have is a 5 X 7. I never want to forget you. Even if I never get to see you again I will always have that one day.

About a year ago when my wife and I was separated I got my first tattoo its a red heart with your name in it Natasha. I wanted to make sure that I couldn't block you, and what I did out of my head. I held on for a long time hoping that some day your mother would call me and throw out that chance for me to be in your life. I didn't get married until you were about 8 years old because I knew that if she did I would be gone in a second under any terms. I still to this day am not completely sure that I can have another child with anyone for fear of missing out on there life too. This is probably a better subject for when your older much older.

Sorry its been several days since I have posted anything new. The war has started now and it has been going on for 5 days. I hope that you are doing o.k. right now with all that is going on. I wish that I could be there to comfort you and try and help to explain that the bad people over there wont be able to hurt you in any way. I am sure that your mother is doing a very good job of this. Its sad that things like this happen. Sometimes its necessary for this stuff to happen I only hope that when history looks back at the events that it was worth it all in the end. Right now it is a time of hope, a hope to liberate all of the people suffering over there. I believe in the efforts over seas for the record. I don't know how old you will be when you get to see this (If at all) I had not planned on having to go into all of the things that are happing.

Wow, I guess no one counts on having to do that either. Most of the men in my family was in the military at one point in time all of my uncles on both my mother and fathers bothers were all active (none right now though) I actually have a pretty extended family and I don't think that any of my cousins are either. I hope that no one you care for is in danger right now and if anyone you do is safe and someday returns safely.

I want to get back to things for a little while before I loose complete track of where I was. Anyway as time went by with no contact from your mother I started dating other people and had a long term girlfriend for a while, I kind of wanted to marry her several times but knew that my heart lied with you and your mother and I got engaged and disengaged with her a couple of times. The way I looked at things it was almost like closing the book on you and never could bring myself to do it. Eventually Sharon and I broke up for good and we haven't spoke to each other since I guess that was about 5-6 years ago maybe longer I am not really sure. Over the time I was with her I looked for you multiple times memory serves I actually found you or talked with Melissa on the phone I don't really remember exactly what happened exactly I think during this time you lived in Alta Monte Springs, Florida or something close to that (Orlando)

I have always been extremely scared to go to Florida I haven't been there since I know of you living there it has always been a very taboo place for me some day I need to go there. I have tried to find you a number of time to hear your voice on the phone. Not necessarily to tell you about me I have never wanted to do that to your mother. I don't know what you have been told about me growing up, I don't know if she has told you that I exist, that she knows who I was or what, hopefully she has been honest with you.

If that is not the case I don't like it but I kind of understand. I don't know how I would have dealt with the circumstances in her shoes either. I am sorry its real easy for me to get sidetracked and go off on a tangent I apologize there is so many things that I want and need to get out I have a real hard time organizing my thoughts while I am typing all of this I tend to catch my self wanting to cover one topic and end way off of where I started.

So I was around Sharon (my long term after your mother) I put Sharon through part of her school at the University of Oklahoma. She wanted to be a counselor ( I think so she could help me deal with my problems partly) She ended up getting her degree and about the year she was supposed to get her masters we split up because in the end I couldn't fully commit to her fully. I had told her multiple times that if the opportunity arouse she would have to be willing to move anywhere that you were. If that became an option, my feelings were very strong on this as I had missed out on so much of your life. I don't think she ever really understood this and was threatened by that. At one point we had a huge fight because she wanted me to take down all of the pictures that I had up of you. This was way toward the end of our relationship. In the end I feel like I was forced to decide whether to let go of you and dedicate myself to her, have a family and move on. Or to let her go.... The choice was easy for me I moved on, I didn't consider that as being much of a choice I don't want to be with anyone who cant except the fact that I have a child out there in the world somewhere that I want to be with.

I had a couple of other girlfriends here and there, nothing substantial or worth mentioning until I met Rachel. I will start to go into that on the next post to you its late goodnight

Its been a few weeks since I have posted anything I haven't really been up to much besides work. I am about to move so I will change my address. I am also going on vacation 2 days after I get moved in so I might not have much up here for a little bit (I assume that you are not viewing this now but who knows just in case.) I won't have internet access until we get back from vacation either. I will try to get at least one more up before I move.

I think that last time I left off where I was going to start with Rachel (My wife) I met her in early July 5 years ago. I met her through my best friend Shannon Fein (the Sonic guy) He knew Rachel for a year or so before I actually met her. His family has always gotten together on Sundays for Brunch and she used to wait on them at Sleepy Hollow (It's a restaurant in OKC) They tried to get me to go with them for years but I liked to sleep in on the weekends and while I am like family there, I am still not family so I always passed on that one.

I had never met her at all one night they convinced her to go out with us somewhere (Sadly I don't really recall) I am pretty sure it was to go bowling (Shannon loved to bowl) so we hung out I though she was cute but a little young for me she was 20 and I was 25 at the time but apparently she dug me. One day out of the blue she called me up and me if she could take me to lunch. I couldn't pass up a free meal so I agreed after all she was pretty hot for a guy like me so we hung out together for a while and then we started getting a little serious.

At this point in my life I was working at CompUSA I had just gotten a promotion and was in what I jokingly like to call way lower middle management (I was above 4 inside sales reps) the were the lowest people in the company in sales and I was one step up from that. It was an easy gig my job was to make outside calls on companies and help them with the bigger deals. I was really good when I was an inside rep I basically built the accounts of the team that worked directly under me and then left for a better job with a competing company in NJ. I took all of the good business with me when I left about a year later CompUSA called me and offered me this position so I came back to work for them. (I promise there is a point) I worked there for about three or four months then got laid off. This was right about Thanksgiving 98 This was just about the time that the economy started to take a down turn for the first time and no one knew what was coming (including me!!!)

I knew that OKC's market was kind of soft so I wanted to go to Dallas TX and see how I would fare. My stepbrother David Barnes moved there about the time I went to work for CompUSA a shortly after the computer store that my family used to own closed, and he was doing well so I thought that I would check it out for my self.

Now we are finally getting back to the point what to do about Rachel??

Well I mentally wasn't ready to get engaged (I had been holding out for years hoping that your mother would give me another chance to be with her and you)

Rachel had made it clear to me that she wanted to get married, but did I? I was 25 never been married and was scared to death but with a whole lot of encouragement from my mother and Rachel I popped the question on Christmas Eve 98 (After all I had to get her a present and that's all she wanted.. LOL) Of course she said yes.

Then several weeks later we ended up in TX we moved into a small apartment in North Dallas just north of 635 and the Tollway. I took a job with a phone company in town but hated it. I wanted to sell data products and they wanted me to walk the streets and switch people's long distance. I got out of there as fast as I could and went to work for a small family owned business doing what I did best selling computer equipment.

I got hired on as a the Sales Manager (what a joke I was the only sales person) But I did build things up above what they were increased sales for them and eventually hired another sales person to take up some of the slack.